


I got Black on my ledger 02

by NyxSolei



Series: I got Black on my ledger [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Amnesia, Brainwashing, F/M, Memory Loss, Russia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-11
Packaged: 2018-02-07 16:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1906242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyxSolei/pseuds/NyxSolei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He isn't empty.. His mind is all over the place."<br/>And he has to decide what to do now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. blurred fight

He has been told many times that he should not fear a thing. Not war, not men, not women. Nothing.  
And for long, that was how he lived- without any trace of fear. But that day he had left to America, he knew of fear; the fear of departure.  
But of course, not it didn't matter- he knows not who was that scarlet-haired girl or what her past entails with his. Evidently, all he did was following the orders Zola gave him- 4 sentences, in the exact order and way he was supposed to say them. The mission went well, completed and well-done by him.  
The test subject had gone, escaping with Zola's program.  
"Soon you will meet her again." Zola said, out of the electronic system in the Winter Soldier's chamber,"And you will see why is she called the 'Black Widow'. She will work cooperatively with yourself." He continued as the soldier was simply relaxing before scientists and technicians came into the chamber to fix his prosthetic arm and lead him into the 'cleanse' chamber, where soon enough he'll be put to sleep in a freezing aura.   
"What are my orders?" He questioned, walking along the group.  
"Your next target is Steven Rogers, but before that we must prepare- the Black Widow will join you only by a certain command and then, you will have to act quickly, SHIELD will try to stop her." The computer answered him,"You will not hurt her. Hurt and kill anything that stands in the way."  
"Understood." He said, as he was put into the cold lock-down, forcing him to rest unconsciously.  
While asleep, the Winter Soldier sometimes gets a glimpse of reality, since time was like dust- meaningless. From time to time, he could get a small memory back, or even a sense of something, almoust like a feeling.  
In the blank darkness, he could see a small, dim light of some sort of a colour- something that told him that everything is treated the same way. Like orders- they're above everything else. But this light directed him to some other things too, even simple things such as his chamber, his prosthetic, his missions. For once, they were his, and not someone else's.  
He felt a need to accomplish and protect his belongings in which, he could remember people too. That scarlett haired, he knew her, like he knew that man on the bridge.  
However, her dim light was completely different. It didn't entail anything bad for him, anything scary for he doesn't know of fear.   
This time, when he approached her light, it was warm, welcoming. Something told him that they knew each other, closer than that man on the bridge. Almoust reaching it, but not knowing what is it- the barrier that Zola forced on his mind after his rage over that man was blocking him from exploring more.   
All he knew that she was his. And his belongings should be protected.


	2. Sburbian robotics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The decision had to be made. Malfunctions always happen.

He was woken up by the alarming sound of metal crushing. He supposed they were under attack, what made him act very quickly.   
He jumped off the open iced tube, grabbing on his rifle right off the table,"Zola." He called at first, headed with heavy feet, trying still to shake off his slumber.   
When the computer didn't answer him back, he shouted again,"Zola!" His voice roared as the building began shaking, twisting and pieces of ceilling began to fall off. The scientists answered hesitantly,"The roof need protection, protect the black box in all costs!" He ordered as the Winter Soldier was already on his way.  
He shattered a glass pane, jumping through it to grab a small black box and cover it with his body to protect it from another shatter. He shot himself a way out between the crashed laboratories, headed upstairs to the roof. As the walls began colliding while he was passing through the halls, he punched away anything that dared to come close to the small box.  
No questions about what was the box or why he should protect it. Orders are orders and nothing more required, even though his mind couldn't decide whether the box belongs to the orders or rather to that same ligh that surrounded it. He had the same feeling from the unconscious set-up he did. That same light he could feel about that red-haired Black Widow.  
He knew already then that his belongings should never be toyed with, since he had so little and so much to offer to the world. However, orders kept him away from doing so.  
The black box wasn't as cold as any other box that looked to him,"Zola!" He roared, pacing up the stairs,"I am taking the box to a safe place." He said and without leaving any trace, jumped off the roof to land on another roof- avoiding the heavy fire form the sky.  
And then, he vanished into the city, for once, acting on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's really hard to write his character but I'm sure that I'll stand up to the challenge!♥ I'll keep updating~~~


	3. The cracks in the program

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He has a memory, a far-off one, a locked one.

Running on the rooftops of the sleeping city, he had time to think without being forced into freezing sleep. He needed to find that scarlet-haired woman, this box has to be a part of her, a part of the programming they did to her.   
He remembers the programming, how she screamed and squirmed under the scientists' arms, shouting that 'Bucky' will help her. She must have trusted that 'Bucky' very much, begging for him to aid her when she is underground and under his watch.   
When the program will start, she won't remember anything of a such to be upset that 'Bucky' hadn't came.   
The plan was simple- find the girl, get the program running and hunt down Steve Rogers with her help. As he thought further about the plan, he felt sharp pain in his chest and he fell to his knees, still holding onto that black box.   
The Winter Soldier looked around, noticing there was no one- not even snipers that could have been hiding. Was his body malfunctioning?  
He felt it again, hearing in his mind the same screams from that scarlet-haired. That pained him, it hurt him more than rifles and procedures.   
Why is he suffering because of simple screams? He heard them countless times, in various ways. But her screams reached to depths of his darkness, where he stored memories and information. As if that when he heard that voice, it took over that darkness and enlightened him.  
He stood up again, one hand over his heart, another holding tight the box.  
Now he was sure of the plan, of the new plan- he needs to learn about her. He needs to know who she is.  
The Winter Soldier jumped down to the street, frightening a few stray cats and rushed to the direction of SHIELD's secret base.   
Then he remembered a muffled far-away memory- He collapsed on the street, at the entrance of SHIELD's base, withering in his memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's really hard to update, but I'm working my ass off to do this! It's horribly hard due to Tzuk Eitan war in Israel, as someone that lives there.


	4. Russia, one, two...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who are you, James Buchannan Barnes?

"Bеликолепно, и как его зовут?" The director stared straight at the child with the brown messy hair who was toying with his fingers.  
"Джeймс." The little boy said, returning the stare to the director.  
"Неужели может он говорить!" He laughed, standing up to circle the boy,"Положите его с новой черной вдовы новобранца." He ruffled his hair, holding his small face in his other hand,"Супер солдат программа подойдет ему." He said and set the child off with two other soldiers in the snow to the new recruits area.  
There she was, he recalls it now. The scarlet-haired girl with the green eyes. Even then, he felt happy around her, like he should protect that small figurine she had and those precious red locks she had. But then, she looked sick, almoust on the verge of dying or collapsing every moment.  
The little boy ran to her, looking very seriously at her,"Ты умираешь" He whispered as he was left with her in a small wooden cabin,"Они сделали это?" He asked in silent voice, covering her with his jacket.  
She nodded weakly, leading him to her usual corner, where she had the lamp, the pillow and her doll.  
"Не дoвай им делать это." He said, sitting next to her,"Как тебя зовут? Я Джеймс."   
"Наталия" She said, almoust whispering.  
"Я защищу тебя Наталья, я буду твоим другом." He said with a smile, just before he woke up, cuffed and held back by metallic wires.  
"Natalia!" He shouted in rage, trying to release himself. It was the only thing he could say in his state,"Natalia!" He roared again.  
She was there, behind a mirror, listening to his preach. She knew that some piece of the old James Barnes is back. Only he called her that way. She was lucky that Matt was there, holding her arm, telling her to stay still, that this has to be Zola's play.  
But she knew better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bombing and the rockets reached my city as well, forgive me if the chapters are short!


	5. La vie en noir.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> C'est la vie.

It was about 2 AM when he stopped yelling and banging against the cuffs. The Winter Soldier was exhausted. And when exhaustion comes, the sweet flashbacks of the past would come too, but not this time.  
She entered the room quietly and peacefully, like she does with any other business. Not showing emotion, and none needed for him, he could feel the warmth coming from her.  
"Natalia." He murmured, eyes locked on her scarlet hair.  
"James." She said back, indifferently.  
"That is.. My name." He said, as if figuring it out,"I told you so when you were small." The Winter Soldier was staring blankly at the air, trying as hard as he could recall the moment again.  
"You.. remember?" She said, the wonder sneaking into her voice,"Russia?"  
He shook his head,"I don't understand." He said once, then repeated it again louder,"I don't understand!" He roared at her third time.  
She stood there, without any motion, any flinch in her face. Just a blank business expression.  
"Who are you? Why did you hurt me when you yelled?" He clenched teeth with anger.  
"Меня зовут Наталья Романова. Я никогда не повредила тебя Джеймс. Не. Когда." She said, hoping he could understand it.  
"Наталья." He repeated,"Ты мойя друга."   
She nodded.  
Then, he was struck with memories. He screamed, yelled and begged for it to stop- pain, agony, loss, happiness and joy all at once attacked him. He roared out her name, pleading with tears for the memories to stop.   
She didn't flinch.   
Nor moved.  
She had to look at him, breaking from inside.


	6. Dancing words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the past comes back to life, the future is unknown and the present is painful.

"Ты была намного меньше." He said to her, as she was sitting across him, writing down what he said,"Я помню, директора." He continued, scratching uneasily the back of his head,"I'm sorry Natalia, I can't recall anything more."  
"Don't." She said strictly,"Call me that."  
He dropped his look, unsure what to do. This world was so new to him, he didn't know yet how is he suppoused to behave. He couldn't know- the first five hours he's back into the world and he's being questioned with a lot of things he couldn't answer.   
It was the truth, however, he was telling- his mind won't recall much, no matter how hard he tried. He did snap out of Zola's program, but his past was yet nothing but a big blur of emotions.  
"Natasha." Steve came into the room, putting a hand on her shoulder,"Let me try." He said with an optimistic smile.  
She looked over to Bucky, then to Steve, whispering to him as she stood up to go,"I don't buy this." She said, and left.  
"How did you do it?" Steve said, sitting where she was.  
"Do what?" He returned the question.  
"Got out of the program." He sat back,"Zola never made mistakes, why would he do it now?"  
"I didn't do it alone, Steve." He had the smallest smile over his face,"Natalia gave me a good reason to snap out of it."  
"Her name is Natasha, now. She doesn't uses her previous personality anymore." He said, lowering his look,"Don't expect to get back and just to be okay with everything. There are guys here that don't trust you, Bucky."  
"I don't expect anything. I know I've done horrible things, to you- to Natal--," He stopped,"Natasha."  
Steve sighed, massaging his temples,"I don't know what to do with you, Bucky. You can't remember your past and you don't expect to live in the present."  
"No, but I want to show you I'm sorry, that I know I don't deserve this." He gestured at the room,"But I guess that wouldn't be enough, would it?" He said, voice almoust breaking.  
There was no one that hated Bucky more than himself at that moment. He could see vividly everything he has done to people that were his most close friends for years. He wanted to bury himself, to feel the same pain they felt.  
"I'll tell you what," Steve looked up again,"You'll come with me to my place, I'll get you catched up on things, maybe you'll remember a thing or two."  
"Steve, no." He protested,"I don't know- You don't know if I'm not dangerous. Snapping out of the program doesn't mean it won't get functioning again."  
Steve laughed a little as Bucky looked at him confused, doesn't he get that he might be a danger to all?  
"You know, seventy years ago I met some lady that told me that when I went to save you and 400 other soldiers, she didn't believe that I'd come back because she loved me, but because she had faith in me. Like I have in you."  
"Right." He looked away,"But you were going to save people, not hurt them."  
"And you're going to save yourself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's coming along. I guess it would be a little bit easier now to write his part, although the chapters updates may be delayed. Again, due to the war.

**Author's Note:**

> Second part is out! This will be completely from Bucky's viewpoint. Should be a challenge to write but also a lot of fun!♥


End file.
